All The Boys!

We found out yesterday that J6 is another boy! Making our grand total 4 boys and me completely outnumbered by the testosterone that will fill my home the rest of my life.

Now I won’t say that I didn’t cry. In fact, I spent the last 24 hours sobbing off and on many times. You see the truth is that I made a decision shortly after finding out that I was pregnant again, that this would be my last pregnancy. I have been pregnant 10 times, I’ve lost 5 babies and had 4 successful c-sections at this point but each have had their complications and left scars and pain that I will carry with me the rest of my life. My oldest child is a girl, but God chose a different path for her and I in life – I’m not sure of the why, I do however know the pain I’ve carried each day for 12 1/2 years and will continue to carry for the rest of my life, has been at times almost more that I could bear. So I’ve been left with this hole in my heart and life, I have this desire to have a mother/daughter relationship. A relationship I never experienced with my own mother because she chose to leave me behind, a relationship I never had with my stepmom, a relationship I’ve never been allowed to have with my own daughter. A desire for a relationship that I will never experience now.

It hurts. It hurts really fuckin bad to want something so deeply, and know that for whatever reason you’ve been found unworthy of ever having it. So yes, to answer all the burning questions I do have what most would consider “gender disappointment”, but not for the simple reason of wanting a specific gender and not getting it, it’s much, much, much more than that for me. And as sad as I am, as much as my heart hurts right now, I’m also over the fuckin moon excited to have another boy! I get all the boys! HA! That seems crazy to most, but let me explain the secrets behind my excitement.

I will always be loved and protected by 4 men who mean more to me than life itself. I get to explore life and the world around us in a unique way, because the minds of little boys never cease. I get to spend my adult years playing with Legos, Army men, and action figures and no one questions my maturity or sanity. I get to watch cartoons and am required as part of my mom job to be in the know about all the latest super hero movies. I never have to worry about opening a door for myself, carrying in my own shopping bags, or taking out the trash. I get the opportunity to be the woman who raises 4 adorable boys into men, who teaches them right from wrong, how to respect women, how to be independent and capable of taking care of themselves, their homes, and their families. I get to be the woman who prepares them for life, a life in which they will face challenges and naysayers, a life that can be harsh and unpredictable. I will be the woman that they learn from, turn to, and count on. That’s such an amazing role, filled with a lot of responsibilities and challenges, but also a hell of a lot of love and adventure!

I’m excited for the future with my 4 boys and maybe one day I’ll have a granddaughter and be able to share a bond with her like no other.

No One Warns You

Raising boys. Rewarding for the most part, I get all the snuggles, hugs, and sweet moments, except from the little one who hates me unless I hold his fruit snacks hostage, but that’s another story. However there are some definite challenges that no one ever fuckin tells you about before you become the mom of boys and quite frankly I think it should be a crime to withhold such information. It’s like giving a kid the keys to their first car and being all excited for them, but never telling them that they have to learn to drive, have a license, and buy insurance first. Assholes.

Why are you people not telling everyone things like “Always check the toilet seat before you sit down” or “Never walk into any room without touching the light switch, but never touch it with your hands”. These are serious pointers that I think every mom becoming a mom of a boy should know and it’s up to us Boy Moms to share it. Someone should warn them about the fact that they will spend a sizable amount of their time saying things like “Don’t play with your penis in public”, “Don’t wipe poop on the wall”, “If you pee on the seat and floor clean it up”, “Flicking boogers in the car isn’t OK behavior simply because you’re doing it quietly”, “Your penis isn’t a sword, stop waving it around”, etc.

I know I wasn’t prepared for this bullshit when the Doctor said “It’s a boy!”, everyone said it would be “the best”, those bitches lied. It’s a migraine that’s never ending, chaos that never ceases, noise that never and I mean absolutely NEVER fucking stops, dirt that doesn’t go away, but it’s also one of the sweetest loves I’ve ever fucking known. Yeah, I said it. These assholes make my heart melt. They can go from being rude and cutting their eyes at me, making me pop em upside the back of their head or chasing them around with my flip flop, to cuddling up on the couch and saying things like “Momma, I’m so sorry I wasn’t listening like I should, I love you.” or “You want me to make you a fresh cup of coffee” – I swear for only 11 years old that kid knows how to get me right in my weak spot, good job Smalls.

I wonder how many times a day I have to say the word penis or a form of it? I should probably keep a running count next week, and then make them pay me a quarter for every time I have to say it! Ohhh buddy, I’ll be robbing children of their little piggy bank money!

Your Entitlement Issues Annoy Me

You’re not entitled to say whatever the hell you want simply because I am pregnant.

You don’t get to ask me if I know how to prevent pregnancy. Yes, I do. I know of quite a few ways to prevent it, a few of which your parents should have invested in it seems. Point blank, if I didn’t want to have another child, I wouldn’t be breeding again.

You don’t get to make comments about our sex life. We have a healthy sex life and it’s our business not yours. No, we don’t spend every moment we aren’t surrounded by children having sex, there’s things like work, dishes, laundry, cooking, ya know the boring shit that has to get done so those children you’re so astonished by us having can actually survive in this world. Would we like to be laid up for the week, chillin in the buff, and shaggin every hour, but we can’t always get what we want. Although I will say we do a pretty damn good job of finding new ways to get in more than the statistical average for a married couple with multiple children, and I’m pretty damn proud of that.

You don’t get to say shit about our finances. You aren’t financially supporting our family in any way. We don’t live off government assistance of any form, we don’t ask anyone to help us buy groceries, clothes, pay our bills, or give us handouts. We work really hard to take care of our children, and YES I said WE, because whether you want to believe it or not I do in fact contribute to my family financially. However let me be perfectly clear, if you would like to start sending monthly contributions to our bank account than you’re more than welcome to dictate where, when, and how that money is spent.

You don’t get to question whether the home we are living in is big enough for our family. At one point in life, larger families than ours were raised in smaller homes than ours. We are happy with the size home we have and unless someone is planning to give us a free home or money to buy a bigger home, we won’t be getting anything bigger than what we have now. We are content, why is that so hard to understand? Would we like to have a bigger kitchen, more storage space, a larger yard, etc. of course there are things we’d love to improve on, but for now this is our home so keep your opinions of it to yourself.

You don’t have the right to make comments about my weight, rolls, or tummy size. Fuck you and your opinion. Yes, fat girls get pregnant. Stop acting like this pregnancy is some insane act of God and making comments about my size or how you can’t tell I’m pregnant because I’m the size of a fuckin walrus. Stop acting like you’re in utter shock that my husband even had sex with me. Suck a donkey nut, you asshat. There’s nothing worse than being pregnant and everyone acting like you’re not pregnant simply because you don’t meet some image they have of what a pregnant body should look like. I’ve carried 4 children from conception to life in this body, my stretch marks, saggy skin, big old belly that I struggle to make go away thanks to some major Diastasis, and surgery scars are my trophies.

Just stop having an opinion about my life, my family, my children, my finances, my husband, my sex life…worry about yourself and getting your own shit together. Cause unless you’re donating money, a new home, new car, a free hotel stay with baby sitting, or offering to come clean my home for me, you’re wasting your time and breath. Move on with your life, focus on something more productive than how to judge me.

Think Before You Speak

“I don’t know what you used on that toilet darlin, but it looks like Jesus said a prayer and turned it from grime to shine.”

The stupid ass shit that comes out of my mouth sometimes when I’m speaking to my kids, makes me question my sanity. I asked the boys the other night to take turns pretending to be me and say some things I always say to them, here’s there list:

“Boy, you best find your mind!”

“You and Jesus need to have a moment together, before you have a moment with my wooden spoon!”

“Let me see pee on that floor one more time and you’ll be tasting pee on your toothbrush!”

“Do I look like your maid?”

“You best shut your mouth when your talking to me!”

“You just burnt my last nerve up all to hell.”

And of course my personal favorite…

“I love you from here to heaven and back.”

Why is it that when you become a parent you say things you never thought you’d say to anyone? Those things that your parents use to say to you and at the time you thought they were so stupid and you were gonna be a much cooler parent than them. I think most people end up catching themselves saying something that their folks use to say to them a lot. I can assure you my parents never said any of that rad shit I say to my kids. I think I beat them on the cool parent quotes, cause I don’t remember them every saying anything even remotely as wicked as the bullshit that spews from my mouth. They also weren’t very creative with their punishments either – Hey Parents, you should’ve had a little more fun with the discipline part of parenting, but your loss I’ll just have to enjoy this part a little more for you.

What are some things you say to your kids that are really stupid or is it just me who does that??

Filthy Mongrels.

This is what I call the people in this house of the male persuasion.

It must be a genetic malfunction, perhaps a missing chromosome, or a twisted up wire in the brain. There simply is no other explanation for what is occurring in my home.

I know what you’re thinking, she’s gonna bitch about the toilet seat being left up. You’re wrong.

You see, the toilet seat doesn’t bother me. It takes .03 seconds to put the toilet seat down, I’m sure that if my bladder has held up for hours of nursing and rocking the baby, grabbing juice for the 4 year old, and stepping into the middle of a fight between the 2 older boys that it can hold for an additional .03 seconds. Toilet seats don’t bother me at all, leave it up, put it down, hell you can remove the stupid fucking thing and I’ll still take a piss in the pot. Like a classy mother fucker does.

What does get on my last fucking nerve is that every damn time I go into the bathroom to relieve myself there is piss every fucking where! Somehow these mongrels manage to get piss on everything from the toilet seat and floor, to the bath rug and shower curtain! And I’m not talking a little dribble. A dribble I could handle. I’m talking it looks like someone just completely missed the toilet, was having a contest to see how high on the shower curtain they could get, how slippery the bath rug would get if they pissed in a puddle and I stepped on it, or simply decided that hitting the fuckin 12″ hole in the middle of the toilet was simply to fuckin complicated!

Filthy animals.

I know I cannot be alone in this!? I mean, I purposely don’t use public restrooms because I find them absolutely disgusting and filthy, but recently I’ve decided that I’d actually prefer to go into whatever random gas station restroom and take my piss there surrounded by others unsanitary decisions because at least then I can reason that their mother’s didn’t raise them right! When at home, I simply cannot use that as a valid reason to excuse the bullshit that is happening! I mean I potty trained at least 2 of the males in this home, I taught them how to do it sitting and standing, taught them how to wipe their asses properly, taught them to flush and wash their hands, for fuck sake they both know how to clean the bathroom properly too. But do either of them fucking do it? NO. I went as far as buying a big ass picture for the bathroom with “Bathroom Rules” on it so that while they’re sitting on the toilet taking a shit and playing with god-knows-what, they can look up and read what steps the need to take next! And I’m sure at least one or two of them reads it, but not a damn one actually fuckin follows it. In fact if you visit my house for the day the one thing you will hear me say more times than “quit fighting” is “did you flush the toilet and wash your hands?”.

Are all men like this? Is it simply because they’re children and hopefully one day they’ll give a damn about pissing all about the house? Or are their future wives doomed to hate me because they will have to deep clean the bathroom with Clorox Urine Remover daily? I mean my husband isn’t that bad, although he leave the shavings from his facial pubes all over the bathroom faucet and I’m constantly having to clean that shit up even if I remind him like 9 fucking time to make sure that he gets it all up, but fuck, at least he’s not pissing on the floor. Although, maybe he is? Maybe I need to monitor each of them to find out who the pisser is! I will have to do before and after bathroom inspections and launch a CSI style investigation into the bathroom piss, send that shit off the lab and shit.

Something to think about as I go scrub the fuckin bathroom floor for the second time today.