We found out yesterday that J6 is another boy! Making our grand total 4 boys and me completely outnumbered by the testosterone that will fill my home the rest of my life.
Now I won’t say that I didn’t cry. In fact, I spent the last 24 hours sobbing off and on many times. You see the truth is that I made a decision shortly after finding out that I was pregnant again, that this would be my last pregnancy. I have been pregnant 10 times, I’ve lost 5 babies and had 4 successful c-sections at this point but each have had their complications and left scars and pain that I will carry with me the rest of my life. My oldest child is a girl, but God chose a different path for her and I in life – I’m not sure of the why, I do however know the pain I’ve carried each day for 12 1/2 years and will continue to carry for the rest of my life, has been at times almost more that I could bear. So I’ve been left with this hole in my heart and life, I have this desire to have a mother/daughter relationship. A relationship I never experienced with my own mother because she chose to leave me behind, a relationship I never had with my stepmom, a relationship I’ve never been allowed to have with my own daughter. A desire for a relationship that I will never experience now.
It hurts. It hurts really fuckin bad to want something so deeply, and know that for whatever reason you’ve been found unworthy of ever having it. So yes, to answer all the burning questions I do have what most would consider “gender disappointment”, but not for the simple reason of wanting a specific gender and not getting it, it’s much, much, much more than that for me. And as sad as I am, as much as my heart hurts right now, I’m also over the fuckin moon excited to have another boy! I get all the boys! HA! That seems crazy to most, but let me explain the secrets behind my excitement.
I will always be loved and protected by 4 men who mean more to me than life itself. I get to explore life and the world around us in a unique way, because the minds of little boys never cease. I get to spend my adult years playing with Legos, Army men, and action figures and no one questions my maturity or sanity. I get to watch cartoons and am required as part of my mom job to be in the know about all the latest super hero movies. I never have to worry about opening a door for myself, carrying in my own shopping bags, or taking out the trash. I get the opportunity to be the woman who raises 4 adorable boys into men, who teaches them right from wrong, how to respect women, how to be independent and capable of taking care of themselves, their homes, and their families. I get to be the woman who prepares them for life, a life in which they will face challenges and naysayers, a life that can be harsh and unpredictable. I will be the woman that they learn from, turn to, and count on. That’s such an amazing role, filled with a lot of responsibilities and challenges, but also a hell of a lot of love and adventure!
I’m excited for the future with my 4 boys and maybe one day I’ll have a granddaughter and be able to share a bond with her like no other.